Things Don't Always Go As Planned...

Sitting here at a coffee shop again with not much inspiration. We just got back from California and although it was 100 degrees during the day, the cool mornings and evenings were heavenly. As we took our family walks, and experienced new places, I found a little inspiration. I really need a change of scenery sometimes to get my head and heart motivated to write.

I guess I am still in vacation mode because being back to hot, humid, busy, city life, I can't seem to get any inspiration today. However, I have had a blog in mind for a few weeks now but haven't had the words to put on "paper" yet. I now have some time to gather my thoughts yet again, a habit my husband is trying to encourage in me. He allows me some "me" time once a week so I can at least have an opportunity to write. Perhaps something good will come from it in the future whether it be a blog, a song, a poem, a letter to God, whatever comes. As a mother now, this is vital to my life. As a worshipper, and as a creative person, I have to have an opportunity to let it out. Whatever IT is in my heart.

So, we plan on this every week but here I sit with not much to write! Things just don't always go as planned. Ya know? However, here goes...

I remember when I first got pregnant, Andrew and I got the Supernatural Birth book and talked to all of our friends about water births and chiropractic care and pretty much everything you need to know about having a natural labor and delivery. As someone who wishes I had the guts to be a full on hippie (I have to shave and still highlight my hair), I was all about the natural ways as much as I could do.

However, I felt empowered and encouraged! It was good information for those desiring to attempt it. Once we hit the third trimester, I realized that Liam was breached and we weren't too concerned because my midwife said it was very common for the baby to turn. She did encourage me to do certain exercises to help him move so I did those things along with chiropractic adjustments as well. We did everything we knew to do. I even heard from someone, "Even if he doesn't turn, you can try to deliver him breached. I know women who have done it."

Yeesh! I heard sooooo much advice. In times like that, you can only rely on what the Holy Spirit is telling you. Once we got into week 38, chances weren't looking too good for him to turn. Now, I know the Lord could have turned him for sure if He wanted to. I mean we are pretty familiar with the power of God. Yet, This is what the Lord told me and I know He told me: "Liam is not going to turn. You need to schedule a C-section." This was in the midst of EVERYONE praying for him to turn and even people having visions of him turning. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge advocate of the prophetic word and I myself walk in the prophetic. Yet, in times where there are many voices, you have to learn how to silence the voices and listen to only One and that is the Holy Spirit. This is why it is important learning how to hear the voice of the Lord for YOURSELF.

Community is great and the Body is necessary, but you have to learn how to walk with the Lord all on your own. Listening to His voice over the voice of leaders, prophetic words, and friends is VERY important. We as the Body need to encourage people to hear the voice of the Lord for themselves. If we aren't doing that, then we are not an empowering Church.

Andrew, my amazing husband, felt like the Lord told him, "Liam is not going to turn because he represents an immovable generation of children I am raising up." They will not be moved by the tide of the world, but by the voice of the Lord. Wow. Yes we were both in agreement with this word and knew it was for our family. So, with that in mind, we scheduled it. Indeed, we heard a few comments from concerned friends and family whom we absolutely love but knew what the Lord told us. Once we knew it was the Lord we were immovable with our decision.

Now, during this season, Andrew ended up having to go to the ER and from there was admitted into the hospital a week before the scheduled C-section and in the same hospital for that matter! That is a whole other blog post, but for now we will just keep it to the C-section. After a week of my husband being in the hospital, they let him go home to get prepared for the birth of our son. We gave ourselves a weekend and scheduled the birth for a Monday, April 7th, 2014. This day was an amazing day. It wasn't what I had originally planned but it was BETTER.

We not only had my midwife there, but the OB, and another midwife in the same office was there to support us. They had such a heart for us and knew our story. Andrew was diagnosed by a lot of different doctors a week before as having two huge lesions in his brain and they didn't know what it was yet. Once my doctors and midwives heard about this, they were all so full of love and compassion that they all wanted to support us so they all came. I felt so loved that day. In addition, we had many of our friends and family who were there at the hospital ready to welcome us after the surgery was over.

Was it scary? Absolutely. I had a little meltdown right before as we were listening to worship music. A song Melissa Helser was singing just broke me. I felt so alone in that moment, but yet the Lord brought me back with His Presence. In times like that, the only One you really need is Jesus. I needed my husband by my side and the anesthesiologist was there as well talking me through the whole process, but I needed Jesus. They put a huge needle in my spine and numbed everything from the waist down and then I laid down on that surgical table with all those bright lights and got ready to have my life changed. In 6 minutes my son made his grand arrival. Craziest thing in the world and most incredible. It was still a miracle.

My blood pressure dropped pretty low at one point and all I kept hearing the anesthesiologist say was, "Okay, your blood pressure is dropping, so we are bringing it back up. You are going to feel better in just a minute." I literally felt like I was going to die, but I didn't. I was beyond grateful that God let me experience that moment. It taught me something in God. It taught me all the more to rely on His voice to guide me. When all the other voices fade away and when your husband can't even be in the surgical room for a few minutes and all you have is the Presence of Jesus in your most vulnerable state, you draw closer.

You have no other choice but to draw near to God. So... thankful? Yes I am. After 6 minutes at 12:01 p.m. in the afternoon, my son was born. It was one of the greatest days of our lives and I don't regret one moment. I didn't grieve that I didn't have a natural birth, but I rejoiced that I had a healthy boy and he was perfect. We became so much closer to the Lord on that journey. So yes, things don't always go as planned but God makes things better than your plans. God makes things better than what all the voices tell you that you should do. Why? Because His voice matters most. It's all about YOUR journey in God. YOUR history, not someone else's.

Finding Jesus In Motherhood

Laundry, cooking, cleaning, cleaning again, play time with my favorite little boy in the world, spit up, poopy diapers, laughs, cries, teething, fussing, joy, nap time, need coffee again for the 4th time, overwhelmed, "I can do this," "I can't do this," need to talk to an adult, need Jesus, need the Word, conversation with husband without being interrupted, date night need, connect with husband, change onesies, change onesies again, wake up, chance for a shower during nap time, maybe I can dry my hair, this is fun, this is hard, I love my friends, I feel alone, this is a good day, this is a rough day, 3:00 am feeding, why won't you sleep through the night, you slept through the night, need Jesus, talking to Jesus all day, need adult conversation instead of baby talk, listen to a teaching, get in the Word, keep baby entertained while doing a chore, one step at a time, remember to breathe, remember to eat, smoothie, what did I eat today, I used to write, I used to sing, today I'm going to sing, today I'm going to worship, am I still considered a worshipper?


Hello friends,

Welcome to my thoughts in the past 5 months. I finally have a chance to really gather my thoughts. Yep, they are a little crazy. I'm sure some of you can relate. Maybe all of you can relate in different ways. I've got Jason Upton playing in the background at a coffee shop in town and I REALLY needed this. My amazing husband gave me a chance to, not just run an errand without a baby being attached to me, but sit down. I get to sit down, drink a cup of coffee, write, and meditate on Jesus. Who is He to me in this season? He never changes. He stays the same. My life has felt overwhelming so much so that I feel I've lost myself in a way, yet He still remains.

I feel Him all day. I feel Him every moment, but wish I could get lost in His Presence for just 5 minutes without having something else to "do." Laundry can wait, but yet, I put Him on hold time and time again. Not today. Not right now. I'm searching for a way to find Jesus in this life of motherhood where sometimes you feel so overwhelmed that you can't even see straight. How can I be thankful? How can I find Him in this place? I have a beautiful baby boy and a beautiful life. My husband was healed twice from brain tumors and we no longer have to live in a hospital like we did for 5 weeks of our life a few months ago. I have so much to be grateful for.

Are we still processing what happened? Am I? I feel that this is the case. Perhaps, a sick husband in the hospital, having a baby, and moving houses has caused some stress? Yes, I still walk with Jesus and yes we still say yes to Him everyday. Even when it's hard. Yes, we reach out. Maybe not to everyone, but we do reach out. Relationships have changed. The season of our church has changed. People don't fully understand nor do we, but that's ok. He remains. He knows what is going on. This season will also change some day but doesn't Jesus offer life in any circumstance? We can find life in any situation. This is my quest. Not to do church, not to do more programs, not to be on stage leading more worship sets, not to do Bible studies, not counseling, not medication, but finding Jesus in this place. He's here. I just have to look with different eyes. Spiritual eyes. This I do know to be true: I will find Him.

Liam Valor, Our Greatest Song

Alrighty, I have another minute to post. Just want to share a picture of my beautiful son, Liam Valor. He makes our world a much happier place! On April 7, 2014, our lives were forever changed. Today, he is almost 4 months old and just wanted to share with you our little blessing! It has been great being a mommy and I've had some of the most amazing and challenging moments of my life. Even in the challenges, I wouldn't trade mommy life for the world. Many blessings!

Is This Really Happening?

Is this really happening? Do I actually have a minute to write? Yes, in the midst of laundry, cooking (that needs to happen at some point today), eating something without being distracted every 5 minutes, and...there is the baby! He's crying...well here's to mommies who write! Until next time...

It's Only A Season

This is a repost from my previous blog, "Seasons of Life" and it was written in July of 2011:

In times of transition, we can lose our footing. It's almost like God lets us lose ourselves that we would find ourselves all over again. Some seasons you can become comfortable and there is an ease and a familiarity in it all.

Those seasons are almost like a sense of home where you can come and just rest. You know where all the bathrooms are located. You know where all the dishes are in the kitchen, including the cleaning supplies and trash bags. You know the junk drawers well and even exactly how long the junk has been in there!

Yet, in transition, your identity can be tested. The questions can rummage through your mind of: "Who am I really?" You don't know where anything is. You've never even seen this place before.

It's uncomfortable and, at times, your heart can't even comprehend what is actually happening. You feel like you're going crazy or, better yet, you think it's the devil. However, most of the time, it's God shaking what can be shaken in your heart so only He can remain. He shakes the things we are trying to identify ourselves with that are not of Him.

He will tear us down to build us back up. He has been known to do this all throughout the Bible and He's really good at it. I love the quote that Kristine Mueller sings: "Redemption is so much better than perfection." These words have riveted straight through my heart because God is not about us being perfect in our own strife, but redeeming us from ourselves! 

He wants to break us down that He can remake us. He wants to take away everything we have relied upon to make ourselves perfect in our own strength. He desires for only His fingerprints to remain that we would see His power.

Yes, we know the truth is that we have been made new in Christ. Yet, it didn't stop at salvation. No. He continues to make us new more and more everyday! He continues to strip off the old man making us more like Him!

So, as I speak to myself and you, take heart! If you are in a transitional season, this means there is movement. Movement means there is LIFE happening and it's happening all around you! It's time to rejoice for joy comes in the morning. Change is challenging but being made more into His image? Why not? Though it be painful at the time, it truly is worth it. Be encouraged, it's just a season.

My Only Hope

From the moment I awake at the break of dawn and morning dew, the snares are set for my entrapment. 

My only option is to run into You.

My only hope is the washing of Your Word over my mind and my heart. 

I cannot pretend to be free from your Presence and secure in my own flesh.

I cannot attempt to live this life on my own.

You have been my refuge even when I didn't know I needed a haven.

You have been my Light when I couldn't see that I was in the dark.

There is no other choice.

There is no other response but to choose You.

In my weakness, I see my need for You.

But oh Lord, let me see my need before my fault lays before me.

Let me see my need for You when I feel strong.

May I abide in Your love all the days of my life.

May I never escape Your truth over my heart.

May I always seek to find my salvation in You.

My only hope is in You.

We Were Made To Simply Live

I was having a discussion with my friend today. We had the privilege of connecting over coffee and tea, chatting about our lives. It was a face to face discussion and eye to eye. We didn't connect through social media, texting, or email where it was impersonal but we had a very personal connection. How are we missing this as a culture today? We have quick access to any kind of information and knowledge at the swipe of a finger on a phone. Who would have thought this over thirty years ago? It's all so amazing really and who knows where technology will be in five years from now. However, I feel we are losing simplicity and, in fact, feeling closer to people than we really are. To me, it seems like a false sense of intimacy.

I am not telling you to delete every single one of your social network accounts or anything like that, but I am saying that we need to learn how to slow our minds down and simplify our lives regarding relationships. Jesus invested in twelve men. He didn't have one thousand close friends knowing about everything in His life. I love posting pictures. I love letting people know what is going on and I believe that the Lord is powerfully using social media to draw people unto Himself through many different articles, pictures, and testimonies. However, what is made less and less sacred about our lives and relationships? When are our brains becoming overstimulated?

Our minds were not made to be constantly bombarded with information. The Lord actually calls us to rest in Him. In Him, we can have peace in our minds, bodies, and spirits. I have been meditating on the idea of wholeness in body, soul, and spirit. How many diseases are people facing due to stress and the "on the go" lifestyles? What would happen if we could just sit down for awhile and let our minds and bodies rest? I believe that we would be more awake, would have less sicknesses, and would be able to live in the way were are called to.

A healthy lifestyle is about putting good things into your bodies, getting your spirits in tune with the Holy Spirit, exercising, and eliminating stress in your life. Sometimes, there are stressors we are not even aware of. These can be things such as text messaging, reading any kind of media on our phone, watching videos, twitter, email, instagram, etc. We are basically on call all the time and available to anyone at any time. No wonder we are stressed out! What is the solution? Where are the boundaries? Are the boundaries important and necessary for a healthy life?

This is my quest. This is my journey. It's not just enough that I don't watch TV and I'm off of Facebook. Although, let me just tell you, I do not miss either of them. I don't need to know what over a thousand people are doing today. Yet, what else is taking my time and distracting me from just sitting down to rest my mind? I believe if we sat, rested, and let the Lord minister to us instead of doing all the talking, we could actually start to feel like a whole person. This is what God has called us to. So join me in de-stressing the lifestyle. What are the things you don't need in your life or toxic relationships you are involved in? We are called to greater things and to be whole and healthy! We were made to simply live.