To me, life is like a full circle of different seasons. You have Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring. Sometimes in that order, sometimes not. Sometimes Winter seems a lot longer than Spring. Sometimes, Spring just keeps on going and those seasons are great. The Fall comes along and a harvest comes. Summer is a time for sunshine and watermelon!
Some are easier than others. Yet, in each new season, we think we "got it." Then we are humbled and actually see that...well, we don't "got it." Ya know what I mean? It's a good thing we don't know our way because we actually learn to rely on Jesus all the more in that place. This is a season, to be honest with you, where I feel I am in the background and that is okay. I actually don't really like being in the front. That's not a false humility statement, but it's actually where I truly feel more comfortable.
I have never really enjoyed being in the spot light, which is why the Lord has often placed me there for some crazy reason. He has taught me many things in that place of leadership, because that place carries a lot of influence. So...now I am not in the "front" so to speak, and well...I wish I were at times. Not for my glory, not for attention, but to feel a part, to feel involved in what everyone else is doing. Though, feeling like I don't have much influence in this place now as a mom, I know that is not the case. I have powerful influence with my son even if I don't see how some days. I also may feel in the background in the rest of the world, but I am definitely not silent. I am right where I am supposed to be, but don't think my heart doesn't get tested in this place.
Sometimes, things rise up in me like the need to prove myself. I have even heard the question in different times of my life involving people working with me, "What are we doing with you?" Wow! Don't think that my flesh didn't rise up and try to fight. It's that Irish fighter in me that comes out every now and then in anger or frustration. You have that? You know, your OLD flesh? It's pretty ugly. However, these thoughts have come to me, like "The audacity! Do they know who I am?!!" Humility is a gift from God and when we humble ourselves, we see that we don't have to prove ourselves to anyone because we have already been approved by Him. That old Irish fighter has been crucified with Christ.
Andrew and I were in a conversation with good friends the other day and I wasn't really able to participate in the conversation because of a quite busy little boy who I actually love to death! However, it bothered me. I wanted to be in the middle and hear everything that was being shared. I was as involved as I could be. I mean, I only have one child too. It's not like I have 4 or 5 little ones running around. I can't imagine the mothers who are running after more than one but who want to be involved somewhere else especially with their spouse. The tension is real my friends. It. Is. Real.
It is real especially when you got married in your thirties and started a family in your mid thirties. You have experienced so much of life such as traveling around the world, doing things all by yourself, having a ton of alone time to write and create, learning other languages, recording albums, doing things with just you and your spouse, SLEEPING, etc. Having your own time. Then an amazing blessing of a child comes into your life and you learn to be even more selfless. God increases your capacity as your family grows from one to two to three to 8! Again, it...is...REAL.
You learn to be more selfless but you still have thoughts. You still have a spirit, emotions, opinions, wisdom! You actually grow in wisdom in those struggles! So, here I am. I am here in the background and it may seem like I am not really around, but I am not silent. I am NOT silent. It may be a crazy new place that I am learning to place my foot in each moment, but I am NOT silent. To all of you mothers working the hardest job on the planet: (I am convinced it is) this may be a Spring time for you or even a Winter. Whatever the season you find yourself, remember it is just a season. There can be joy in any moment. Nothing holds you back. You have thoughts! You are NOT silent.