Thursday, September 25, 2014

Through The Storm...

Last night, we had a crazy storm and I could barely sleep. Yes, I am drinking this cortado today like there's nobody's business in one of my favorite coffee shops. I need the caffeine today, but I was thinking early this morning as my son awakened every hour since 2:00 a.m. because of the craziness, that life is kind of like that. As I have written before with each season, you know there will be an end and a new one will begin. I was remembering that about 6 months ago, we ourselves were in quite a storm.

Sure, we have been through the financial storms, the relational tension storms, and the "not knowing what to do with our lives" storms, but this particular stormy season was unfamiliar to me. Andrew had been through a life threatening storm 6 years previously all on his own. Around 2008, he was diagnosed as having lymphoma and this was actually right when we met, but I was not with him during that time. He was, of course healed by Jesus. Yet, he was unfamiliar with this kind of storm as a husband and father-to- be with his wife and baby on the way.

My husband has written his side of this story a few months ago, but I felt it was important that I shared my side of it as well. Here we were, 9 months pregnant and due to have the c-section in one week to be exact. We wanted to have one last hurrah of a date day and go see a movie. However, I noticed Andrew losing his balance and even not being able to drive with the best perspective. He had fallen on a boat trip a few days before so we kept thinking maybe he was having concussion symptoms.

In my mind, it had reached a culminating point and I knew we needed to make a decision. My husband was a little stubborn about my insistency on going to get checked out and he didn't want to go. I know now that he felt something was wrong but didn't want to face a similar storm again. He was actually incredibly angry at the whole situation, but we didn't know what was going on yet, so I begged him to go to the doctor so we could at least know.

On this particular date day, we were on our way to see a movie but when I went to the bathroom, I sneakily called our dear friend who is also a homeopathic doctor. After I shared with her what was going on with Andrew's symptoms, she told me with urgency that we need to go the ER. If she was saying that, I knew we needed to heed her advice. When I came out of the bathroom, Andrew told me he tried to call the same friend I had just spoken to! We got a refund on our tickets and finally went to the ER.

Now, once we got there, I was trembling at the possibilities we were facing. "Does he have lymphoma again?" "Why God?" "Why now?" So many questions rummaged through my brain, but at the same time I was trying to be strong. It's kind of hard as a 9 month pregnant woman to keep your hormones in check. Yet, even in the midst, I could feel the Father's arms around us. I knew we were covered but we were still pretty scared of what we were going to find out.

Once we got back to the room and the cat scan was done on his brain, the doctor came running in with urgency saying to my husband, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but we need to get you admitted into the hospital right away. You have two significant lesions in your brain and swelling..." and the rest was a fog for me. I had a sense that what the doctor was saying was going to happen but still nothing prepares you for hearing something life threatening like that. Once the ER doctor left the room, we embraced each other like we've never embraced before and cried together.

Thinking about that moment again, brings tears to my eyes even now. We felt so weak and scared but, at the same time, felt the Presence of our Father so strongly. I have NEVER felt Him as strongly as I did in that moment. In the midst of all the possibilities and scenarios, I didn't feel alone. I could feel all of Heaven paying attention to our "crisis." I could feel all of Heaven cheering us on and saying we were going to make it through this storm. I had a deep sense in my spirit that this was not over. When my head and carnal feelings didn't get in the way, I knew Andrew was going to be healed again. It was just a matter of time.

Therefore, he got admitted into the hospital and one doctor on his case became two, which became three, and the list goes on. All of a sudden, we had most of the hospital doctors on his case. They would say, "You will be here just one day" and then it would become two, three, and finally a week of sleeping away from my husband. I remember the first night being away from him and knowing he was in the hospital going through uncertainty and fear as much as I was. All I could do was hold my pregnant belly, pray to God, and cry myself to sleep. Fortunately, I had people staying with me and my mom came down as well. We felt so much love and support from our family and community. It felt like the whole world was cheering us on as well. It definitely encouraged us but, again, we knew this was our journey with the Lord. We could only rely on Him. We could only follow His voice.

They sent him home to prepare for the birth of our son. For a few days, I felt there was peace. I felt like maybe the storm was over. I got admitted into the same hospital a few days after he got discharged and we lived on the maternity floor for a week during my recovery. We had our beautiful son and everything seemed like it was all going to be okay and it was okay, but the storm was not over yet. The day finally came when we could take our son home with us. We were so overjoyed but when we arrived, Andrew wasn't feeling well.

Long story short of it was, after a phone call to his doctor, Andrew was admitted back into the hospital again with a blood clot in his lungs. The day our beautiful Liam arrived, it was like the storm came back. It felt like the delivery week of Liam Valor was the eye of the hurricane. It seemed calm but it was not gone. We had to go through it the whole way. Why? Because God always finishes what He starts. I don't believe God caused Andrew's lesions in his brain because we believe that God doesn't cause sickness to His children, but the journey with us becoming stronger children in the Father's love was not over yet.

So here we were, separated as a family. I remember doing FaceTime with Andrew so he could watch Liam's first bath take place. I was so sad. Even though, in my spirit, I knew it was going to be okay, I didn't understand why it had to be this way. I asked the Father: "Why doesn't Andrew get to be with our son in these first moments of life?" These special moments. These critical moments. We had my mother's amazing love and support, Andrew's family, sister, mother, brothers, father, my father, my family, my wonderful sisters in the Lord and forever aunts to Liam. We felt overwhelmed with love, yet all I wanted was my husband to be home. Even through it, I felt a strength from God that I didn't even know I had. This circumstance only revealed what had been there the whole time, His Presence, His strength.

People were amazed at how well I was doing, being a drama queen many times in my life. Yet, my heart ached. I was still grieved in my heart, but the resilience to keep going was still there. Looking at my son in the morning and the peace that was on his life reminded me that I too was like my son. I too was a like a baby in the arms of my Father and my only option was to trust Him.

Some day, we will write a book about this story. There is so much to say. There is so much to write. It took a few more weeks of my husband being in the hospital and the journey lasted longer than I thought but not as long as others have walked. We were grateful because Andrew wrote 23 songs in his hospital rooms (admitted into many different floors and rooms). He shared the gospel with every doctor, every nurse, every helper in his way. Not one person was excluded from hearing about the goodness of God and the light shined brighter in that hospital because my husband was there. He and his trusty guitar and his powerful voice that shattered the darkness. No darkness could reside. This is what it felt like. The scary story became a miracle story of God's healing each day that passed.

The end of the storm was that these brilliant doctors were left baffled and only able to call him, "the miracle man." We, however, knew it was Jesus. We knew it was our Father who alone can heal. The last results of his MRI were that these, once huge lesions in his brain, were "only a wisp" the doctor said. Every person that we interacted with during that time was ordained to come across our path because they were supposed to see the goodness of God. This is what we know. Every person matters that we come across whether we are in the darkest time of our lives or the most peaceful. God writes the story and He is making it beautiful with every moment.

The enemy tries to destroy but like I've been saying to my husband on this journey, "The only thing the enemy can do is set a stage for God's glory to be revealed." And that's what happened. God's glory was revealed and it continues to be revealed in every person, and in every situation if we will look from His eyes and His perspective. If you have read this far, congratulations. I know this is a long story, but man, what a mighty God we have! We get the privilege of being in relationship with a strong God and the King of all Kings. We get to be His children and walk in His abundance. We get the privilege of being still and knowing He is God.

I am writing this story again to not only remind you, but myself of His goodness because we will never be without trials on this earth. We will always have storms among us, but we must remember His goodness and His faithfulness. It's easy to forget even when you go through something as intensely as we did.

We are facing another different kind of storm again even now, but I feel our family is stronger this time than ever before. Our marriage and relationship is stronger than before and we are unified more than I ever thought we would be. We are going to make it, because this is His promise to us. He will never abandon us and He will never forsake us. We hold onto these truths and pass them down because they will last through eternity. Our spirit knows it and we have experienced it.

I pray if you have read this far, you are encouraged and that you find the goodness of God in EVERY circumstance of your journey and history with Him. It is there. It is right in front of you.

My love finally made it home. This was the day Liam's Daddy returned.

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