Laundry, cooking, cleaning, cleaning again, play time with my favorite little boy in the world, spit up, poopy diapers, laughs, cries, teething, fussing, joy, nap time, need coffee again for the 4th time, overwhelmed, "I can do this," "I can't do this," need to talk to an adult, need Jesus, need the Word, conversation with husband without being interrupted, date night need, connect with husband, change onesies, change onesies again, wake up, chance for a shower during nap time, maybe I can dry my hair, this is fun, this is hard, I love my friends, I feel alone, this is a good day, this is a rough day, 3:00 am feeding, why won't you sleep through the night, you slept through the night, need Jesus, talking to Jesus all day, need adult conversation instead of baby talk, listen to a teaching, get in the Word, keep baby entertained while doing a chore, one step at a time, remember to breathe, remember to eat, smoothie, what did I eat today, I used to write, I used to sing, today I'm going to sing, today I'm going to worship, am I still considered a worshipper?
Welcome to my thoughts in the past 5 months. I finally have a chance to really gather my thoughts. Yep, they are a little crazy. I'm sure some of you can relate. Maybe all of you can relate in different ways. I've got Jason Upton playing in the background at a coffee shop in town and I REALLY needed this. My amazing husband gave me a chance to, not just run an errand without a baby being attached to me, but sit down. I get to sit down, drink a cup of coffee, write, and meditate on Jesus. Who is He to me in this season? He never changes. He stays the same. My life has felt overwhelming so much so that I feel I've lost myself in a way, yet He still remains.
I feel Him all day. I feel Him every moment, but wish I could get lost in His Presence for just 5 minutes without having something else to "do." Laundry can wait, but yet, I put Him on hold time and time again. Not today. Not right now. I'm searching for a way to find Jesus in this life of motherhood where sometimes you feel so overwhelmed that you can't even see straight. How can I be thankful? How can I find Him in this place? I have a beautiful baby boy and a beautiful life. My husband was healed twice from brain tumors and we no longer have to live in a hospital like we did for 5 weeks of our life a few months ago. I have so much to be grateful for.
Are we still processing what happened? Am I? I feel that this is the case. Perhaps, a sick husband in the hospital, having a baby, and moving houses has caused some stress? Yes, I still walk with Jesus and yes we still say yes to Him everyday. Even when it's hard. Yes, we reach out. Maybe not to everyone, but we do reach out. Relationships have changed. The season of our church has changed. People don't fully understand nor do we, but that's ok. He remains. He knows what is going on. This season will also change some day but doesn't Jesus offer life in any circumstance? We can find life in any situation. This is my quest. Not to do church, not to do more programs, not to be on stage leading more worship sets, not to do Bible studies, not counseling, not medication, but finding Jesus in this place. He's here. I just have to look with different eyes. Spiritual eyes. This I do know to be true: I will find Him.